A Beginner’s Guide to Shadow Work: Healing the Shadow Self
"Unless you learn to face your own shadows, you will continue to see them in others, because the world outside you is only a reflection of the world inside you." - Unknown.
Your shadow is always with you, whether the sun is shining on you or not.
Carl Jung refers to the "shadow" as the unconscious parts of you that your conscious mind and ego do not identify with because they are unacceptable and undesirable.
Your shadow self is the “dark side” of your personality.
Examples of shadow feelings include jealousy, anger, pain, fear, victimhood, vengeance, selfishness, loneliness, and unattractiveness.
Why is the shadow rejected? The shadow self is everything you have repressed and buried deep inside.
When you're a child, you learn what is acceptable and not acceptable in society. If we see something that we don't like, we repress it and choose not to acknowledge it anymore.
Your ego is protecting you from identifying with your shadow. Your ego is meant to protect you and keep you alive. Your brain is wired to survive at all times (we still have caveman's brains). Your ego identifies being different with being rejected. If people don't like you, they will leave you to fend for yourself, which means death.
So the best way to keep you from dying is keeping socially acceptable. That means you only see the good in yourself and push down anything “bad.”
What you reject in yourself, you see in others. As within, so without.
This is also called projecting.
What you don't like in others is a good indicator of what you dislike about yourself, just like what you do like about others is what you like about yourself.
You are more likely to point out what you don’t like about other people because it’s easier than pointing it out in yourself.
Your ego uses projection to keep you from connecting with and bringing awareness to your shadow to remain acceptable.
What to remember before doing shadow work:
Shadow work is making the unconscious conscious. It means uncovering the parts of you that you’ve forgotten, pushed away, or don’t want to think about.
When you do shadow work, you’re going to question all of the old beliefs and stories you’ve been telling yourself.
You know you’re ready to do shadow work when you feel yourself wanting to expand. You know you have blockages in you but don’t know what they are or where to start unblocking them.
You’re ready for shadow work when you’re to dive deeper within yourself.
If you’re thinking about starting shadow work, here are 3 things you need to know:
1. Approach shadow work from a place of center, calm, and neutrality.
Your shadow represents hidden parts of your psyche, so you won't receive accurate results if you are not centered.
If it was easy, you'd be thinking about this stuff every day, but you're not. You're going to be working with parts of yourself that have been buried for years, and they've been buried deep down for a reason. And the best way to connect with your shadow is coming from a place of calm and neutrality.
You don’t want to judge your shadow or be angry with it; it's a part of you, just as anything else.
You have to come from a neutral space and approach your shadow calmly.
2. Be hyper self-aware and brutally honest with yourself.
Shadow work only works when you’re totally and completely honest with yourself. And being honest with yourself means you have to be self-aware.
Being self-aware means:
● Understanding what kinds of thoughts you're thinking,
● Understanding emotions you are feeling due to what ideas you were thinking,
● Understanding how your words affect others, and
● Understanding how your inner dialogue is affecting your mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing
Shadow work requires you to be self-aware and honest. If you can't be totally and brutally honest with yourself, you won't be able to get past the blockages in your way. Keep lying to yourself about situations and refuse to see other perspectives. It'll be difficult for you to fully see your shadow.
Being self-aware and honest can be uncomfortable, but sitting with these painful feelings leads to healing.
3. Show yourself compassion.
This is the most important reminder. You have to show yourself kindness and compassion through the entire process.
Your shadow is not something to be ashamed of or angry at; it needs to be acknowledged. At first, approaching your shadows will be uncomfortable and strong emotions may arise.
It is SO important that you stay kind to yourself because what you’re feeling is valid. Feelings want to be felt. They are neither good nor bad. And the more thoughtful you are to them and yourself when doing shadow work, the faster the "bad" feelings will disappear.
The more you resist your emotions, the longer they stay.
Shadow Work Exercises
Shadow work isn't for everyone. It can be uncomfortable, intense, and sometimes scary. It takes dedication to dive deep into your mind to uncover everything that has been pushed down and neglected.
But what comes out at the end is what’s most important. If you want to heal, you’re going to have to come face-to-face with emotions, memories, and beliefs that you don’t want to think about.
When trauma wants to heal, it'll come up to the surface to be seen. If you have the calling and itch to learn more about yourself, then it's time to do it. Your mind, body, and soul want to heal. It's necessary. And doing shadow work is one of the ways to begin healing.
Exercise #1 - Become aware of your triggers
The shadow is part of your unconscious mind, so the best way to see what your unconscious mind is thinking is to take note of your emotional reactions.
When you have a strong emotional reaction to something, it’s called a trigger.
This can be any emotion, jealousy, anger, pain, sadness, etc.
Remember, you will project onto others when something someone else does or says elicits a strong emotion within you.
Keep track of everything that triggers you. Write down the situation and what emotions it made you feel. Write it down in a journal or even in the notes app on your phone.
If something someone else does bothers you, it's most likely a part of your shadow self; otherwise, it wouldn't bother you.
Triggers are your teachers. When you feel triggered, it's a good thing because it's bringing up something that you might not be aware of what's in your shadow.
You don’t have to analyze your triggers right away, but take some time (when you’re free or before you go to bed) to go deeper into why you felt the way you felt. You can answer these questions:
● What triggered me?
● Why emotions did the situation bring up in me?
● Why did I feel such strong feelings?
● In what way do I act/say things like that?
After every answer, keep asking yourself "Why?" to get down to something you feel solid about. This feeling is usually a gut feeling, a light-bulb moment, if you will. When you finally come to a conclusion about why you feel so strongly about something.
(Hint: it usually has nothing to do with other people’s behaviors, but rather a belief that was taught to you from childhood)
Exercise #2 - Question your good qualities
We live in a world of polarity; everything has an opposite.
On a piece of paper (or journal), make a list of everything you love about yourself. Every quality, behavior, and physical trait.
Now find the opposite of those good qualities and identify the opposite within you.
For example, one thing you love about yourself is that you are very giving and thoughtful. The opposite of that would be greedy and selfish. In what areas of your life are you greedy?
This is where honesty comes in because you have to be clear and honest with yourself. You have to be able to identify those opposite qualities. At first glance, it may seem like they aren't there, but they are. You just have to dig a little.
And once you do identify with the opposite, it doesn't mean you're suddenly a terrible person now. It just means that they are there, and acknowledging that they're there will help you understand your triggers better. It's not a mystery anymore, and you'll be less reactive and more responsive to triggers that come up after.
Exercise #3 - Journal it out.
When you use these prompts, you are shining a light on your shadow. Journaling can help you connect with your subconscious, which is where your shadow lives. It allows you to know yourself better.
When you’re journaling, just write. Don’t judge what comes to mind and approach it with compassion and kindness.
Here are 10 journal prompts you can start with:
In what ways are you inauthentic?
Are you holding onto any grudges? If so, why do you hold on, and what makes it hard to let it go?
Have you ever intentionally hurt someone? Why did you hurt them? Did you ever apologize for hurting them?
Are you lying to yourself about something? Is there anything you are in denial about?
What emotions do you avoid feeling (sadness, anger, jealousy, etc.), and why don't you let yourself feel them?
When and how do you judge others? What do you not like about yourself?
What are things you envy in others?
What are things you love about others?
What is something you could never forgive someone for doing to you? Have you ever done this to someone else?
What is a promise you made to yourself that you have broken? How does it make you feel that you have broken your own trust?
These journal prompts are heavy so proceed with caution. Remember to take about 5 minutes before to ground yourself with breathwork and meditation. And do the same when you’re finished.
Shadow work is a step forward in your healing journey.
You’ll face some uncomfortable feelings and resistance, but on the other side of it is freedom. You'll finally be able to realize why you feel certain emotions in certain situations or why you react in certain ways. Everything that comes up is there to help you on your journey.
Healing takes time, so try again if you don't feel better after your first shadow work session. I promise you'll find what you're looking for. Stay kind, aware, and optimistic about yourself, your emotions, and your shadows.
Happy healing (:
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